Feature Length Spec

[ThomasB]

Could you tell us what this all is about?

What about Tobey, his Mom, his Dad, Darnell, Kent, and all the other characters you try to introduce within the first 6 pages?

[Mods]

LoL yes. And i'm not trying to just sound thick, but I'm not grapsing much of a plot here yet.

The two parts I picked up most was the descriptive car crash at the start and an unzipping.

Car crashes + sex = Crash, a film that's already been made and wasn't that brilliant.

Is there a plane crash where 90% of the people get "mangled" and smear over the windows, and the survivors have sex? [img]smile.gif[/img] LoL. Sorry.

[img]smile.gif[/img]
Mark

[GREATwarEAGLE]

Well, fellas, I do appreciate you taking the time to at least read what I've posted. And it seems that most of you...

Read it.
Ignore it.
Praise it.
Hate it. [img]mad.gif[/img]

...thus far, despite only being up to page 7.
So, if I continue to add more here and there, you do have the right to...

Read it.
Ignore it. [img]cool.gif[/img]
Praise it.
Hate it.

[ThomasB]

I don't say I hate it. I just don't see where this is leading and who's it about. IMHO it's too much, too soon (and it somehow reminds me of 'Amores Perros').

Why don't you just say what the script is about?

[GREATwarEAGLE]

Amores Perros - yes, there are similarities, but they're minimal. I wrote this script before I saw "Amores Perros", and after watching it, I was pissed. But what are you gonna do - for every movie out there, there are others that are similar. Off the top of my head I can think of 2 films that strike me as completely original in either structure or content:

"Pi" and "Timecode".

I can think of 2 or 3 existing screenplays similar to mine, but I wasn't influenced by any of them.

"Yeah right."

Well it's true. It's an inconvenient coincidence. Happens all the time. Probably to some of you as well.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

8.

Japanese with subtitles:

KIMIO
I have to go to work.

She draws the blinds. Bright sunshine pours through the
window, blinding Kent. He pulls the covers over his face.

KENT
Goodnight.

EXT. BUS STOP - NIGHT

Kent steps off. Walking down the street he turns the corner,
stopping in his tracks.

Down the block unmarked cars surround the garage. He
observes as a Police tow-truck pulls out, towing the Viper.

He then casually turns around and walks away. Walking
quickly turns to running.

INT. KENT'S BEDROOM - LATER

Kent storms in. Frantic. He begins packing. Sh*t's flying
everywhere. This awakens Kimio.

KIMIO
what are you doing?

KENT
That's it. No more.

KIMIO
What?

KENT
It's over. I was going to quit
anyway. Can't do this anymore.

KIMIO
What are you talking about?

KENT
C' mon. Pack. We're leaving.

KIMIO
Where?

KENT
America. New Jersey.

KIMIO
To live?

9.

KENT
It's beautiful. They call it the
Garden State.

KIMIO
The what?

KENT
The Garden State. It's
magnificent. One big beautiful
garden.

CUT TO:

Front page of THE STAR LEDGER, A CENTRAL NEW JERSEY
NEWSPAPER. The Headline: "CRIME & POLLUTION REACH
RECORD HIGH"

Pages turn to the CLASSIFIED ADS.

VOLUNTEER WANTED - COLLEGE LEVEL - INEXPERIENCED
OKAY - FOR TROUBLED YOUTH CENTER

INT. OFFICE - DAY

Humble. Nothing flashy.

Seated at the cluttered desk is Tobey, now 24. He has
changed. Clean, but unkept. He has completely outgrown
the pretty-boy image.

He sits opposite LINCOLN, 50, but a kid at heart. He reads
over Tobey's resume, as Tobey is still and quiet.

LINCOLN
Televenture? You do telemarketing?

TOBEY
Yes. It sucks.

Lincoln laughs. But Tobey doesn't laugh with him.

LINCOLN
Sorry. I'm sorry.

Tobey nods. Lincoln continues to read.

LINCOLN
So you're taking Behavioral
Science?

[Flicker]

Hmm. This isn't bad, and Tobey is an interesting character. I want to learn more about him -- it seems he's the main character, right? this is his story? Re: the sex with different women, I don't think you need to a) describe exactly what sexual things they're doing unless it factors into the story somehow. Like her sucking on his neck...when you have the actors doing it they will probably just go at each other and the sucking on neck doesn't really come into play unless it absolutely has to be there. and b) the woman all had different hair colors or races. I think it's ok to make him have two blondes or whatever. I think it comes over as trying too hard to make them seem different, and comes off as unrealistic. Maybe Tobey has a favorite type of girl he goes after? all brunettes? all with long hair, something like that? It's just pushing it to say he gets a blonde, then a brun then a redhead and then a latina all in a row. What are the odds? [img]smile.gif[/img] And what's next? [img]wink.gif[/img]

Does Tobey's dad die? Did his mother kill him? That's what it seemed like since his mom said something to him and then he got freaked and ran off looking for his dad. She must have known what happened.

What's Darnel got to do with anything and why doesn't he know his own child is sick? Was he robbing his girlfriend or something?

I get the idea that Darnel has been in jail quite a lot if he jumps into the cell and immediately has a tattoo done. He must have been up all night getting tats to have so many the next morning. Realistic? I thought this was his first time in jail, so that threw me off a bit.

What's with the Japanese people? What's their story? Right now I can't see how it all fits, but nice line about Jersey! I can see how someone would be fooled by their tagline. That seemed really authentic.

I agree with the person who said cut back on the car crash description. Just say it was horrific or whatever, we don't need that much detail to know it was serious and violent.

I don't know how everyone's stories come together yet but this is good work so far. Just tweak it a bit here and there. I can see each scene in my head and the dialogue is solid. I like the Tobey character so far, I'm expecting interesting and exciting things from him.

[Alex]

I like the sock puppet line. Keep it.

I was once a reader for a short while. I remember one weekend reading three scripts and two of them had the word supercilious in them. But I digress.

I think your script is fine so far.

[GREATwarEAGLE]

10.

TOBEY
Yeah.

LICOLN
How's that going?

Tobey breathes deep, reluctant to answer.

LINCOLN
Come on kid. Speak up.

TOBEY
Beavioral Science. I can't tell you
how funny that is. The class is a
parody of itself.

LINCOLN
Uh-huh...

TOBEY
My classmates are fulla sh*t. My
teacher's fulla sh*t. The whole
school. Hypocrites.

LINCOLN
Well...boot camp should always be
tougher than the war.

Tobey laughs to himself as he knows he's not being taken
serious.

LINCOLN
Behavioral Science. Hypocrites.
Exactly. You figured it out.

TOBEY
Huh?

LINCOLN
You have to change your perspective.
What happens? They give you an
assignment - You pick it apart - Figure
it out. F*ck that. The school's the
assignment. The school is what you pick
apart. Don't analyze the work - analyze
the source. That's a solid education.

11.

Tobey's not buying this...

TOBEY
What are you a member of the board?

LINCOLN
Look. Everyone's fulla sh*t, kid.
Everyone. You. Me. We're all
fulla sh*t. But you're also chock
fulla angst. That's the problem.

TOBEY
I'm chock fulla pissed off.

LINCOLN
With school? Or the whole world?

TOBEY
Christ. You're just like my teacher. You
twist everything to make yourself
sound smart. Is this how you
help people?

LINCOLN
This is not a group session. This
is a job interview. This is how I
conduct a job interview.

Silence. Tobey considers this.

TOBEY
Then how do you help?

LINCOLN
How do I help? You wanna know the
secret recipe? The eleven herbs and
spices?

TOBEY
Yeah.

LINCOLN
Okay. First. You need a sense of humor.
Or you'll go nuts.

TOBEY
Mm hm.

12.

Lincoln looks him right in the eye.

LINCOLN
But. Forgiveness. That's the key.
You must be able to forgive.

TOBEY
Forgive...

Silence as Tobey reflects.

BACK TO CLASSIFIED ADS - EMPLOYMENT

SUBSTANCE RESEARCH-EARN UP TP $2000-HEALTHY MALE
RECOVERING COCAINE ADDICTS NEEDED FOR ONE MONTH
ANTI-RELAPSE STUDY

INT. RESEARCH CENTER - APPLICANT'S ROOM - DAY

Wall to wall pale blue. Tiny. Institutuional.

Darnel, now 24, is looking better, well groomed and clean.
He tries to maintain dignity drudging through questions
that becon shame and grief.

He sits opposite the SOCIAL WORKER, an elder lady who spits
out each question with no compassion, checking her list after
each response.

She smokes despite the "NO SMOKING" sign posted right behind
her.

SOCIAL WORKER
Your parents?

DARNEL
My father died before I was born.
Have no idea where my mother is.

SOCIAL WORKER
Brothers and sisters?

DARNEL
All dead.

SOCIAL WORKER
Who's the emergency contact?

13.

DARNEL
Uhh. My boss? Or my landlord.
Good luck getting a hold of him.

SOCIAL WORKER
So you have no other immediate
family?

DARNEL
I have my son.

SOCIAL WORKER
And how old is he?

DARNEL
Eight.

SOCIAL WORKER
The mother?

DARNEL
Don't know. Atlanta, maybe.

SOCIAL WORKER
Are you presently employed?

DARNEL
I deliver and install household
appliances.

SOCIAL WORKER
You ever been arrested?

DARNEL
Yes.

SOCIAL WORKER
For what?

DARNEL
I was smoking in a non-smoking
section.

She pauses.

SOCIAL WORKER
Excuse me?

14.

DARNEL
Nothing. It was a joke.

She looks at him sharp. Then she rises, tears down the NO
SMOKING sign, and tosses it in the trash.

DARNEL
I'm, sorry. I didn't mean anything.
I'm just trying to keep a sense
of humor. It's all I got left.

SOCIAL WORKER
You're not funny.

DARNEL
You're right. Who am I to talk?
Drug addict ex con. What do I
know?

SOCIAL WORKER
Not a thing. Like everyone else
who comes in here. Waste of
human flesh. And now you want
us to feel sorry for you because
you can't get a real job. Cause
you're an ex con. With a criminal
record.

DARNEL
Lady, I'm just responding to your
ad. That's all. I'm clean and I
wanna stay clean.

She smiles. Then takes his application and places it in the
trash atop the crinkled NO SMOKING sign.

SOCIAL WORKER
I'm sorry. But the ad wasn't
serious. It was a joke. We were
joking. We're just trying to keep
a sense of humor.

<font color="#a62a2a" size="1">[ July 05, 2003 01:51 AM: Message edited by: GREATwarEAGLE ]</font>

[GREATwarEAGLE]

15.

BACK TO CLASSIFIED ADS - EMPLOYMENT

TELEMARKETING-SEEKING MOTIVATED INDIVIDUALS W/ GREAT ATTITUDE
& PHONE VOICE-ALL POSITIONS INCLUDING MANAGER-MAKE BIG $$$
CALL TELEVENTURE

INT. TELEVENTURE BREAKROOM - DAY

Messy. Dismal. And a Coke machine tagged OUT OF ORDER. A
xeroxed Bride's face, dazzling smile, is posted on the wall.

MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
(sniffle)
My wife. She was somethin else
back then.

FFTTT! The blade of a tiny pocket knife darts into her eye.

MAN'S VOICE (O.S.)
We're getting a divorce.

The Man's hand pulls the blade out of her eye. Late 40's
with a case of the sniffles, BASTER walks back to the other
end of the room, preparing to throw again.

Kent, sitting nearby, looks much more conservative than
before. Glasses. Starched shirt. A new man, perhaps. But
his English needs work.

KENT
Oh. Sorry.

BASTER
So am I. But I'll tellya. This
is very therapeutic.

He launches the knife again. FFTTKK! Her other eye.

BASTER
(sniffle)
It could be whatever. Hitler...
some high school teacher gave you
an F...or...
(removes knife)
your wife. You give her
everything, then she turns around,
s*cks your bank account dry, s*cks
the Pool Cleaner dry. Either
way - she s*cks!

16.

Throws the knife extra hard on "she s*cks". FFKK! Her mouth.
He removes the knife, shows it to Kent.

BASTER
See this...?

KENT
Yes?

BASTER
Check it out.

He folds the blade, secures it into his belt buckle. The
knife is unnoticeable.

BASTER
Nifty, huh? Leftovers from a
promotion we did.

KENT
Oh.

BASTER
Yep. We do all kinds a stupid
sh*t here. Right now we're givin
away tropical vacations. You
wanna go on vacation?

KENT
Ahh...OK.

BASTER
Yeah me too. But first you gotta
work. So here's the deal. You
know what "under the table" means?

KENT
Uhh...yes. It mean no tax.

BASTER
No tax. That's right. See that?

He flicks the knife in a new direction. FTSHH! A STATE
EMPLOYMENT REGULATIONS poster. The blade punctures MINIMUM
WAGE - $5.15.

BASTER
Pretty Sh*tty. After taxes it's
like four dollars. Actually three
seventy five.

17.

KENT
OK.

BASTER
(sniffle)
But I'm gonna give you four twenty
five. Save you fifty cents. That
adds up after forty hours. Not
bad.

KENT
Yes. Thank you.

BASTER
But here's the problem. I can't
put you on the phones and I
certainly can't hire you as a
manager.

KENT
But ad say you look for manager...

BASTER
(laughs to himself)
Look...uhh...

He struggles with the name on the resume.

BASTER
I can't pronounce your name so I'm
just gonna call you Kent, cause
you look kinda like a Japanese
Clark Kent.

KENT
OK.

BASTER
So, look. Kent. Let's be realistic.
OK? I barely understand you
myself. But don't worry. I got
somethin perfect just for you...

He grabs the knife from the poster, throws it in the corner,
above a mop and bucket...

INT. TELEVENTURE CALL CENTER - MOMENTS LATER

...THUD!

18.

Twenty PHONE REPS at their computer work stations whip their
heads around to the noise. They see Kent outside the window,
washing it with a sponge.

EXT. TELEVENTURE BUILDING

Soap suds splash against the soiled glass. Kent is thorough
as he watches everyone inside.

Taking drags from his cigarette, Baster looks a little chilly
as the wind picks up.

BASTER
When you're through here, hit the
bathrooms. Use the mop in the
breakroom.

Kent nods "yes" and notices something strange from Baster's nose.
From Kents look, Baster touches his nostril and sees
blood on his finger...

BASTER
Sh*t.

He flicks the cigarette, heads back inside. Kent continues
to clean, spilling some of the water on his shirt sleeves and
pants. It's cold. And the wind just makes it worse.